Goofy questionarre.

Ok, So against my better judgement, I’ll succumb to Caveblogem’s request and do this “what kind of a man” are you survey, originally published in Esquire.

I will preface this by saying that not only do I never (and I do mean NEVER) read the magazine, even when found on waiting room tables or abandoned on public transport. That, and that I try very hard to stay away from lists like this partially because I have little faith in those who assembled the list but mostly because I tend to score very differently than I actually am in the flesh. The reason for the latter is my love for minutia. I almost always look like I’m either A: A royal smartypants, or B: Lying.

The truth is actually somewhere in between. I’m not such a smartypants by I do know awful little about an awful lot. That give some people the feeling that I know more than I actually do and some of these folks will call “foul” when they ask some bizarre and obscure question about a subject I know some but not much about. In essence, I know when the Ming Dynasty was, but please don’t ask me about the individual Emperors. I have no idea.

So, In an effort to make this more honest, I’m going to add some clarification on some of these points (mostly in the manner of snarky comments. I’m good at those). The way this works is that I’m supposed to bold face things I can do and leave the ones I can’t in normal type face. Then I’m supposed to pass the mantle off to two other unsuspecting individuals. The problem being that most of the guys I know via blogs have already done this quiz. So, I’m going to throw this right overboard and tap Inmate1972 and Jimsmuse and see how much of a man these ladies are. My apologies in advance. Aaaand… off we go!

1. Give advice that matters in one sentence.
2. Tell if someone is lying.
3. Take a photo.
4. Score a baseball game.
(Though I have no idea why I would –TP)
5. Name a book that matters. (Just ONE?!?? That’s hard –TP)
6. Know at least one musical group as well as is possible. (Not in any depth –TP)
7. Cook meat somewhere other than the grill.
8. Not monopolize the conversation.
9. Write a letter.

10. Buy a suit. (Totally at the mercy of the shop people here –TP)
11. Swim three different strokes. (Though only three –TP)
12. Show respect without being a suck-up.
13. Throw a punch.
(…but I’m more of a grapple type –TP)
14. Chop down a tree.
15. Calculate square footage.
(I do this quite often for work –TP)
16. Tie a bow tie.
17. Make one drink, in large batches, very well. (Drinks should be made one at a time –TP)
18. Speak a foreign language.
(German… Badly –TP)
19. Approach a woman out of his league. (And do what, exactly? –TP)
20. Sew a button. (And a seam. I have my own sewing machine –TP)
21. Argue with a European without getting xenophobic or insulting soccer. (I know europeans who can’t do this. Lots of them, actually. –TP)
22. Give a woman an orgasm so that he doesn’t have to ask after it. (You know what? After seeing that scene from “When Harry met Sally”, I’m not going near this one. –TP)
23. Be loyal. (To what? –TP)
24. Know his poison, without standing there, pondering like a dope.
25. Drive an eightpenny nail into a treated two-by-four without thinking about it.
(Actually, I like to think about what I’m doing when I’m swinging a 22 ounce Estwing hammer. –TP)
26. Cast a fishing rod without shrieking or sighing or otherwise admitting defeat.
27. Play gin with an old guy.
(If you can give me a refresher –TP)
28. Play go fish with a kid. (No refresher needed –TP)
29. Understand quantum physics well enough that he can accept that a quarter might, at some point, pass straight through the table when dropped. (Is THAT where all my quarters went?!? –TP)
30. Feign interest. (Oh, yes. Absolutely! –TP)
31. Make a bed.
(Into a…? –TP)
32. Describe a glass of wine in one sentence without using the terms nutty, fruity, oaky, finish, or kick. (“Hey, this is really good!” –TP)
33. Hit a jump shot in pool. (Don’t you do that in basketball? –TP)
34. Dress a wound. (for dinner? –TP)
35. Jump-start a car (without any drama). Change a flat tire (safely). Change the oil (once). (All too often. –TP)
36. Make three different bets at a craps table. (Yes, but none the house would take. –TP)
37. Shuffle a deck of cards.
38. Tell a joke.
39. Know when to split his cards in blackjack.
(That’s debatable. –TP)
40. Speak to an eight-year-old so he will hear. (Megaphone. –TP)
41. Speak to a waiter so he will hear.
(See #40)
42. Talk to a dog so it will hear. (They just seem to run away with the megaphone. –TP)
43. Install: a disposal, an electronic thermostat, or a lighting fixture without asking for help.
44. Ask for help. (Always smart if you need it. –TP)
45. Break another man’s grip on his wrist. (The Estwing can come to play on this one too. –TP)
46. Tell a woman’s dress size. (Just guess LOW! I’m not that stupid! –TP)
47. Recite one poem from memory. (Or several, even. –TP)
48. Remove a stain. (Helllloooo bleach! –TP)
49. Say no. (No. I mean “Yes”! Wait!… crap! -TP)
50. Fry an egg sunny-side up. (My preferred way! –TP)
51. Build a campfire.
52. Step into a job no one wants to do.
(More often it’s crawling into a job no one wants. And it often involves bugs and spiders. –TP)
53. Sometimes, kick some ass. (Not lately, thankfully. -TP)
54. Break up a fight. (Hammer, again. –TP)
55. Point to the north at any time. (That’s “up”, right? Kidding. –TP)
56. Create a play-list in which ten seemingly random songs provide a secret message to one person. (Perhaps at one time. –TP)
57. Explain what a light-year is.
58. Avoid boredom. (Zzzz. What? Oh. Sorry I wasn’t listening. –TP)
59. Write a thank-you note. (Not as often as I should though. –TP)
60. Be brand loyal to at least one product. (Companies don’t get my loyalty. Period. –TP)
61. Cook bacon. (Mmm. Bacon –TP)
62. Hold a baby. (VERY often! –TP)
63. Deliver a eulogy. (Not often, thankfully. –TP)
64. Know that Christopher Columbus was a son of a bitch. Your understanding of your heroes must evolve. (Most heros were. –TP)
65. Throw a baseball over-hand with some snap. (Not a lot of need for that. –TP)
66. Throw a football with a tight spiral. (See #65 –TP)
67. Shoot a 12-foot jump shot reliably. (See #65 and #66. –TP)
68. Find his way out of the woods if lost.
69. Tie a knot.
(I’d hope so! Good grief! –TP)
70. Shake hands. (NO DEAD FISH GRIPS! Or hand crushers, please. –TP)
71. Iron a shirt.
72. Stock an emergency bag for the car.
73. Caress a woman’s neck.
(Which woman? Seems like she’d be very relaxed by now. –TP)
74. Know some birds. (Steve, Bob, Ed, Margaret and…. OH! Robert! –TP)
75. Negotiate a better price. (I hate haggling. –TP)

So, there you go. Off to you, ladies!


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